Monday 15 June 2015

Day 658: Birthdays in Sweden

Since it was my birthday recently I thought I'd better let you all know that they don't sing Happy Birthday in Swedish. They actually sing a song which is EVEN OLDER than the one we all know and have lovingly changed to "squashed tomatoes and stew/you look like a monkey/and you smell like one too/belong in the zoo".

The lyrics are as follows:

Ja, må han/hon leva, yes may he/she live
Ja, må han/hon leva, yes may he/she live
Ja må han/hon leva ut i hundrade år yes may he/she live to be a hundred years old
Javisst ska han/hon leva, of course he/she will live
Javisst ska han/hon leva, of course he/she will live
Javisst ska han/hon leva ut i hundrade år. of course he/she will live to be a hundred years old

None of these lyrics will be any news to my Swedish readers, so for a bit of extra entertainment value (and for the benefit of those non-Swedes who have no idea what the song actually sounds like) here's a disastrous children's pop classic version of the bloody thing:


You often get subjected to this song multiple times a day, as you are traditionally woken up by family bringing breakfast while singing this song, then probably your friends or colleagues will sing it at you at work or school, some other friends or relatives will call you up on speakerphone to sing it at you and then when you get your cake you'll have it sung yet again.  

The only thing I really wanna know is, what the fuck are you supposed to sing to someone on their 100th birthday? Awkward!  Some suggestions for changes to the final line are "Javisst ska hon leva många lyckliga år" (of course she will live many wonderful years) and "Javisst ska du leva så länge du får" (of course you will live as long as you can) but in truth it was even hard to find those suggestions. I'm nowhere even close to being 100 and I'm already worrying about it, apparently not a lot of other people are doing the same.

After the song, everybody does the "trefaldig hurra" which means saying hooray 3 times, a bit like the seriously outdated "Hipp-hipp hooray" in England which I haven't heard anyone do for a goodly while, probably for goodly reason.

Monday 8 June 2015

Day 651: How to Officially Speak Swedish

Today I received an official document in the post stating that I have passed a Swedish language test called TISUS and can therefore apply for lots of jobs and university courses that I couldn't before. Hipp-hipp-hurra, as they say in Swedish (I would never say that in English unless I had just been out fox hunting with the other lords and ladies.)

That's right, my name is officially  .           

I thought I'd better share my gradually-acquired knowledge of how you can become legitimerad (certified) and behörig (authorised) in Swedish, as there is no clear path through the nebulous options open to immigrants as to how Swedish can be learned outside of the government-offered, hit-and-miss SFI (Swedish for Immigrants).

OPTION 1: SFI

You arrive in Sweden. You register your arrival with the migration board and maybe also with the job centre (arbetsförmedlingen). Somebody somewhere starts talking about "S. F. EEEEEEee" and you spend several weeks thinking it's spelled SFE when it's actually SFI but people don't say the English letters and choose instead to drop the Swedish version on you without warning. Somebody with dollar signs for eyes tells you to sign up ASAP because you get, like, a million bajillion krona for completing the course. So you sign up! But, there's no money for you if you're from the EU. Hey, fuck it, you signed up anyway.

You have an interview with a person who says they want to see your level so they can place you in the right track. You get allocated A B or C track depending on how much you already speak. You go to the first class with ALL THE ENTHUSIASM until you find out the class is filled with a continually replenishing stock of people on all levels of the course. Together. At once. With one teacher. Also there are some people in there who have always been there, they never complete. They just come for the warmth maybe.

Eventually you take some tests and get some paper with A B C or even, brace yourself, D on it, and feel, er, well not great but, something, for having completed SF-EEEEEEEE. "But I have a certificate from SFEEEEEEE!" you tell yourself, when you still can't have a conversation with the average cleaning lady from Eritrea.

OPTION 2: SAS

You flounder around after SFI (or maybe you skip SFI entirely because going straight there after work twice a week for 3 hours was not the most useful use of your time and watching the Swedish version of Police-Camera-Action on TV was teaching you more) until someone talks about SAS. "Aha! SAS, I know that acronym! It's the Swedish national airline!" you nod knowingly . WRONG. SAS means "Svenska Som Andra Språk" or Swedish as a Second Language. It's where you go when you realise you can't have a conversation with the nice Eritrean lady and maybe should learn how. But you can't go there unless you have your bit of paper with D on it from SFEEEEEE, so if you skipped, then it's back to Joseph and Layla, your old, reliable friends who should still be enjoying the warmth of the SFI classroom.

After many an evening of crying into a textbook and reading the dryest reading list ever, you'll earn yourself the HOLY GRAIL which is a SAS 3 certificate. And you will be able to converse with whichever cleaning lady you like. About Camus and Dostoevsky. Here's an example of the sort of shit you can do after SAS 3. Also look for employment, be generally awesome at Swedish, yada yada yada.

If you're somehow outside my network of Facebook friends and reading this, then you might like some useful links. Hermods is a company with several colleges teaching SFI and SAS. Komvux is an adult education college with branches all over Sweden, use a google search to find one close to you. Folkuniversitet is like Open University, an Adult Education college offering all kinds of courses including Swedish. Some places are free, some are not. Keep en eye out.

OPTION 3: TISUS

Let's say you hate going to class for hours and hours in the evening when it's dark outside after 2pm, -5 degrees and there is chocolate in your house. Let's also say you have a lot of Swedish speaking friends and quasi-family who babble a lot of Swedish in your presence, so much so that you can crash your way through a conversation with the cleaning lady "Yes weather good. weather sun. You (plural) like sun? Me like rain, from England ha ha! Always cleaning? No, was not you petrochemical engineer back home? Is truth!" Swedish I can talk. Test can I take maybe now.

TISUS is a test run every 6 months by Stockholms University, although you can take the test in a few different places. If you can pass the speaking, reading comprehension and writing tests then you'll get yourself a bit of paper like mine and can apply for University courses in Swedish. You'll probably have to speak a bit better than my Yoda impression, but you won't have to read Dostoevsky. I was very fortunate and already had a job when I arrived so I learned Swedish at work and as I went along, I also have a background in learning languages. This short-cut, take-a-test-and-it-will-all-be-over, option suited me best, but it does cost 1600kr so it's not for the weak of wallet.

OPTION 4: HÖGSKOLEPROVET

Similar to TISUS but for people who can't translate over their grades to the Swedish system, or who have no grades. A test in Swedish of Maths, English and Swedish that can get you in to many further education establishments. Every year the newspapers publish a quiz of the vocab test in Swedish because usually there are several words that even Swedish people don't know. If you want more information about this you can click here.

OPTION 5: KORTA VÄGEN

"Awww man more studying blarhujfioweifbsdfjg" is pretty much what any normal person thinks when confronted with further study when looking for a job. "I worked a lot back home and now I'm right back down the bottom again". Yes. Well, that happens when you can't even write an email to a colleague about the printer being out of paper. Doesn't matter if you have a PHD in putting paper in a printer if you can't communicate your expertise. Korta Vägen means "The Short Way" and is run by Stockholms University and the job centre Arbetsförmedlingen. It aims to give you some experience in using Swedish in the workplace and tries to help you find a work placement relevant to a field in which you have previous experience. Also it gets you out of the house so you stop cleaning shit for the hundreth time and contemplating life as an alcoholic.

The website tries to be all mysterious and "oooh....aah....contact the job centre for more details!" but everyone knows that's irritating as fuck and REAL INFORMATION would be more useful. I believe at the least a piece of paper with a D on it (no, not that kind of D) will be needed from SFEEEEEE before Korta Vägen is a viable option.

OPTION 6: READ THE MILK CARTONS

As previously mentioned, you can try to learn Swedish by reading the milk cartons, which feature interesting new factoids every day. This won't get you a qualification, however.

Monday 1 June 2015

Day 644: Kina Review


I've decided that what makes a successful blog is regular updates. "Right, that's it, every Monday I'm going to update" I decided. I sat here for an hour and a half and did sweet FA. (That's Fuck All or NOTHING for anyone who's never done FA, you smarmy bastards).

I racked my brains for a goodly while trying to come up with cah-razy Swedish shit that happened this week and decided that while endless chat about jogging, endless people asking me which race I will be jogging in this season, endless others talking about the races they are jogging in and endless adverts for jogging events including the Stockholm Marathon do qualify as Swedish shit, they are exactly that, shit. I'm not further endorsing the jogging obsession already prevalent here, which manifests mainly in people wearing jogging pants at all times to BE PREPARED for unexpected jogging, by talking about jogging.

Instead, I will tell you about the chocolate I shoved in my gullet out of boredom and desperation when failing to come up with a half-decent blog post.

If you've had enough blog and want to leave now, here is a summary of the product called "KINA" (pronounced SHINA and meaning China): I don't know why anyone would a) be inspired to make b) make c) market d) purchase or e) eat this snack.

They're within reaching distance of my blog-writing because they were a thank-you gift to my boyfriend for some help he gave to someone. After eating them I'm starting to wonder if my boyfriend actually fucked some shit up real bad and this is somebody's way of telling him to just not help in the future. The little wheat puffs taste like burnt rice covered in the chocolate found in a year old 99p advent calendar. They're so small it takes your body a few seconds to actually notice you've fed it something, but if you eat a whole bunch at once you get a flavour sensation a bit like being punched in the face by the Sugar Puffs Monster. Some genius, probably in the good old 1930's when it looks like the packaging was designed, thought that there is a clear connection between CHINA and THOSE POINTY HATS THAT EVERYONE IN CHINA WEARS. At some point in the 1990's another designer realised the mistake and added some EXPLODING CHOCOLATE BALLS because the packaging wasn't dynamic enough.

Actually my history is totally wrong. Kina was started in the 1960's and used to have this lovely, absolutely not-racist-at-all face on the packaging until the PC brigade caught up with it in 2011 and had it banned:

The hat's okay though, because everyone wears them so that's a fact, not a stereotype. Right? If you've got any ideas as to why these fuckers are even called KINA, send your thoughts on a postcard.