Day 957: Is the gym a hobby?

There are lots of things I've adapted to here in Sweden. The standard awkward silences that happen because people are so socially retarded. The catering to people's every, tiny, emotional or physical need. The parents asking me if class is cancelled on a Tuesday because "it's nearly Easter". The pickled herring.

But something I really, really struggle with is the idea that going to the gym is an acceptable hobby.

Today in the virtual toilet paper that is the Metro I read an interview with a girl who was extolling the virtues of becoming a midwife in Sweden. And while there's nothing wrong with being a midwife or having children, I won't go into my even longer rant about how short sighted Sweden is in its flagrant and sustained moral bombardment of the whole population to pump out as many FUCKING CHILDREN as possible RIGHT NOW. Instead I'll tell you about how this particular midwife wannabe wanted everyone to know that her ONE AND ONLY HOBBY is "Crossfit Training". I was so incensed by this shitty nappy of an excuse for a hobby that I stuffed the whole newspaper down the side of my seat and did not read any more.

To me, going to the gym is very much like going to work or doing the hoovering. You don't want to, don't like to and you don't have to do these things, except there are certain benefits to your going and doing them (such as you don't get fired or suffer severe allergic reactions to ten tonnes of dusty shit). I can accept that going to the gym keeps you in shape and helps clear away the diabetes collection which you so lovingly store in your arteries. In fact, I'm well aware that you can get an endorphins rush from going to the gym that could give you the illusion that you have done something fun that may make you believe you've been engaged in a hobby.

But, if your life is so FULL OF MEANINGLESS SHITTY SHIT that you then go on to, not only tell your friends about how you lift weighted objects in the air repeatedly and put one foot in front of the other at different paces for half an hour on a machine, but also confess, nay BRAG, to a national, widely-read newspaper that this is your MAIN source of entertainment, then I can only PITY YOU. But the sad thing is, she only has Crossfit as her hobby because this whole ridiculous nation expects and DEMANDS that a person, especially one who works in healthcare role, LOVES AND CHERISHES AND ADORES AND CARESSES AND PROBABLY EVEN HAS SEX WITH exercise.

In fact, the "midwife" might not even be a midwife. She might just be a stock photograph of a generic blonde woman which the bollocks Metro newspaper dug up in order to further its buttmunch excuse for journalism. "Any news today Sven?" "Nah not really, just run some propaganda about 1. making more babies 2. filling in gaps in the work market and 3. going to the gym, people in the Nordic market really dig that shit". AND SO THEY DID, THANKS SVEN. Wow Sven man, you deserve a raise. You managed to concoct something which ticked all three boxes in one fell swoop, and made me gag so hard my colon nearly came out my mouth.

Next time you feel yourself about to tell people how great your run/gym/spinning class/yoga/INSERT GENERIC MOTION ACTIVITY HERE was, just STOP and think. Was it sociable? Out of the ordinary? Funny? Unusual? Did you learn something you can share with other people? Did you create something you can show to others? If you answer no to these questions and you open your fucking trap anyway to talk about running on a treadmill then you are effectively a SPORT JEHOVAS WITNESS and NOBODY LIKES YOU. (Unless you're in Sweden, where people will let you speak without listening to you and then contribute their own story about running on a treadmill which you will enjoy to the same degree as they enjoyed yours. Ad nauseam if you are in a group of Swedes. And I'm not sure if this counts as them "liking you" but for some reason faking an interest in other people's treadmill activity while repeatedly cooing stock phrases like "jaaaa, aaaah, aaaah, mmmm. Just det. Vad bra! Vad spännande. mmm. Ja." is the height of social capability here.)

Day 950: Ode to Uppsala

As you may have guessed from my previous post about looking for flats, I'm moving. And this means leaving the lovely city of Uppsala, a student town with a population of 100,000 people just 50km or so north of Stockholm. When I moved here from London just two and a half years ago I had no idea how to speak Swedish, a severe lack of friends, a fear of cycling, and no idea what it was like to not live with my mum. Fortunately I leave Uppsala considerably better prepared for Swedish life than I was when I came. Here's my tribute to all the things I will miss the most about Uppsala, or to put it better, all the things I will come back to visit, in no particular order:

1. Fyrishov

Sometimes, when I get my fat ass out of the chair I'm in, I go swimming here and it's brilliant. I usually get a lane to myself, I can listen to "Workin' 9-5" while I swim thanks to the old ladies swim exercise class and on Saturdays there's a disco in the adventure pool with a disco ball. I don't think there's a pool like you anywhere else in Sweden, Fyrishov, and I'll miss you.

2. Fyrisån

Through the middle of town runs the Fyris river and it's part of what makes Uppsala so picturesque. In the summer it's a cheap and underestimated day out to hire a canoe and paddle through town, or away from town towards Ulva Kvarn.

3. Distance to nature adventures 

There are so many great Nature places just on the doorstep. I've seen cows being let loose at Stabby gård, skated on a frozen lake at Österbybruk, been swimming in water that was so cold I lost all my breath when I jumped in at Fjällnora, went on a frozen forest walk in Färnebofjärden national park, and met all the baby goats at the goat farm in Långtora. These are just to name a few things!

4.  Close to other cities

I like cities as well as nature. When I've not felt like being in Stockholm, even if it is only 70km away, I've enjoyed Gävle's giant straw goat and railway museum, and Västerås' weird half-submurged hotels and excellent water park.

5. Living max. 30 minutes away from anybody, ever. (Even that guy who lives in Gottsunda)

Yeah. Gottsunda. I'll still come to your party, though.

6. Apples

Thanks, Uppsala, for making it so easy to a) find apples and b) press them into juice so that c) I can make loads of cheap, tasty cider. You can't do that in London so easily.

7. Student life

Farewell to students wondering around in costumes, people with boom boxes, people with Unicycles, people in formal wear, choir songs outside the window on the night before a gasque, gasques (like a formal dinner in a college until everyone gets absolutely fucking WANKERED.) and just general studenty madness.

8. How quiet it is when all the students leave

Yeah the student life brings some charm, but it its lovely when they all piss off.

9. Small social groups

I met pretty much everyone I know in the town through the Meetup website. It was quick and easy to meet great people from all over the place, all ready to hang out and have fun. I don't think it will be so easy and so straightforward in any other place!

10. Young people the majority

Being a student town, Uppsala has a lot of people around my age, making it even easier to meet friends with similar life experiences. Again, this is not something I expect to encounter in Stockholm!

11. Beautiful buildings

Here's a picture. 'Nuff said.

12. Cycling around

I only just got a bike, after years of people taunting me and wondering why I didn't have one. In the short time I've had it, I have definitely enjoyed the convenience of cycling around, usually on special bike lanes which are separate from traffic.

13. Fewer people, less noise

Yep, it's definitely lungnare here than it will be in Stockholm.

14. Valborg

If you're read my post about Valborg in Uppsala you'll be suprised to see it on this list, but I will miss the party spirit people get on the day, and watching the funny little boats crash their way down the river while drinking champagne at stupid o'clock.

15. Spex

After a year or two I finally had enough grasp of Swedish to go and see a Spex, a play performed by students during which the audience can shout things and make the actors improv changes to the plot, dialogue or, well, anything, to hilarious effect.

16. Lindvalls coffee making the station smell like sugar puffs

If you commute at a certain time on a certain day, you'll get to smell the roasting coffee wafting over the whole train station from the downwind Lindvalls coffee plant. I think it smells like sugar puffs, but that's just me!

 

17. Årummet, Fågelsången, Cafe Linne, and so on!

Damn, so many good spots for tea and cake, so little time!

18. The Local

There might only be a limited selection of pubs in Uppsala, but they are some good ones. I've spent the most time in Buddy's Irish pub, in fact I've just celebrated St. Patricks day there twice in two days. I go there so much the barmen all know me so it's probably time for me to get a new local.... William's pub used to be, er, tolerable but now has a new owner and an excellent pub quiz. Maybe I'll come back for that...

19. The Northern Lights

While I've never seen them in their full, spectacular glory, the opportunity to see a swirling green glow over the town has come up several times, something which is magical to this southerner. Sometimes you can see them in Stockholm, but with all that light pollution I'm not getting my hopes up!