Day 651: How to Officially Speak Swedish

Today I received an official document in the post stating that I have passed a Swedish language test called TISUS and can therefore apply for lots of jobs and university courses that I couldn't before. Hipp-hipp-hurra, as they say in Swedish (I would never say that in English unless I had just been out fox hunting with the other lords and ladies.)

That's right, my name is officially  .           

I thought I'd better share my gradually-acquired knowledge of how you can become legitimerad (certified) and behörig (authorised) in Swedish, as there is no clear path through the nebulous options open to immigrants as to how Swedish can be learned outside of the government-offered, hit-and-miss SFI (Swedish for Immigrants).

OPTION 1: SFI

You arrive in Sweden. You register your arrival with the migration board and maybe also with the job centre (arbetsförmedlingen). Somebody somewhere starts talking about "S. F. EEEEEEee" and you spend several weeks thinking it's spelled SFE when it's actually SFI but people don't say the English letters and choose instead to drop the Swedish version on you without warning. Somebody with dollar signs for eyes tells you to sign up ASAP because you get, like, a million bajillion krona for completing the course. So you sign up! But, there's no money for you if you're from the EU. Hey, fuck it, you signed up anyway.

You have an interview with a person who says they want to see your level so they can place you in the right track. You get allocated A B or C track depending on how much you already speak. You go to the first class with ALL THE ENTHUSIASM until you find out the class is filled with a continually replenishing stock of people on all levels of the course. Together. At once. With one teacher. Also there are some people in there who have always been there, they never complete. They just come for the warmth maybe.

Eventually you take some tests and get some paper with A B C or even, brace yourself, D on it, and feel, er, well not great but, something, for having completed SF-EEEEEEEE. "But I have a certificate from SFEEEEEEE!" you tell yourself, when you still can't have a conversation with the average cleaning lady from Eritrea.

OPTION 2: SAS

You flounder around after SFI (or maybe you skip SFI entirely because going straight there after work twice a week for 3 hours was not the most useful use of your time and watching the Swedish version of Police-Camera-Action on TV was teaching you more) until someone talks about SAS. "Aha! SAS, I know that acronym! It's the Swedish national airline!" you nod knowingly . WRONG. SAS means "Svenska Som Andra Språk" or Swedish as a Second Language. It's where you go when you realise you can't have a conversation with the nice Eritrean lady and maybe should learn how. But you can't go there unless you have your bit of paper with D on it from SFEEEEEE, so if you skipped, then it's back to Joseph and Layla, your old, reliable friends who should still be enjoying the warmth of the SFI classroom.

After many an evening of crying into a textbook and reading the dryest reading list ever, you'll earn yourself the HOLY GRAIL which is a SAS 3 certificate. And you will be able to converse with whichever cleaning lady you like. About Camus and Dostoevsky. Here's an example of the sort of shit you can do after SAS 3. Also look for employment, be generally awesome at Swedish, yada yada yada.

If you're somehow outside my network of Facebook friends and reading this, then you might like some useful links. Hermods is a company with several colleges teaching SFI and SAS. Komvux is an adult education college with branches all over Sweden, use a google search to find one close to you. Folkuniversitet is like Open University, an Adult Education college offering all kinds of courses including Swedish. Some places are free, some are not. Keep en eye out.

OPTION 3: TISUS

Let's say you hate going to class for hours and hours in the evening when it's dark outside after 2pm, -5 degrees and there is chocolate in your house. Let's also say you have a lot of Swedish speaking friends and quasi-family who babble a lot of Swedish in your presence, so much so that you can crash your way through a conversation with the cleaning lady "Yes weather good. weather sun. You (plural) like sun? Me like rain, from England ha ha! Always cleaning? No, was not you petrochemical engineer back home? Is truth!" Swedish I can talk. Test can I take maybe now.

TISUS is a test run every 6 months by Stockholms University, although you can take the test in a few different places. If you can pass the speaking, reading comprehension and writing tests then you'll get yourself a bit of paper like mine and can apply for University courses in Swedish. You'll probably have to speak a bit better than my Yoda impression, but you won't have to read Dostoevsky. I was very fortunate and already had a job when I arrived so I learned Swedish at work and as I went along, I also have a background in learning languages. This short-cut, take-a-test-and-it-will-all-be-over, option suited me best, but it does cost 1600kr so it's not for the weak of wallet.

OPTION 4: HÖGSKOLEPROVET

Similar to TISUS but for people who can't translate over their grades to the Swedish system, or who have no grades. A test in Swedish of Maths, English and Swedish that can get you in to many further education establishments. Every year the newspapers publish a quiz of the vocab test in Swedish because usually there are several words that even Swedish people don't know. If you want more information about this you can click here.

OPTION 5: KORTA VÄGEN

"Awww man more studying blarhujfioweifbsdfjg" is pretty much what any normal person thinks when confronted with further study when looking for a job. "I worked a lot back home and now I'm right back down the bottom again". Yes. Well, that happens when you can't even write an email to a colleague about the printer being out of paper. Doesn't matter if you have a PHD in putting paper in a printer if you can't communicate your expertise. Korta Vägen means "The Short Way" and is run by Stockholms University and the job centre Arbetsförmedlingen. It aims to give you some experience in using Swedish in the workplace and tries to help you find a work placement relevant to a field in which you have previous experience. Also it gets you out of the house so you stop cleaning shit for the hundreth time and contemplating life as an alcoholic.

The website tries to be all mysterious and "oooh....aah....contact the job centre for more details!" but everyone knows that's irritating as fuck and REAL INFORMATION would be more useful. I believe at the least a piece of paper with a D on it (no, not that kind of D) will be needed from SFEEEEEE before Korta Vägen is a viable option.

OPTION 6: READ THE MILK CARTONS

As previously mentioned, you can try to learn Swedish by reading the milk cartons, which feature interesting new factoids every day. This won't get you a qualification, however.