Or is it?
What do you say?
Wednesday 6 May 2020
Day 2480: Peas halp!
When you learn a new language as an adult, it is extremely likely that you will never be as confident in this new language as you are in your mother tongue. That is why I felt very under confident reporting to my friend that "ärter" is not the plural of "pea" in Swedish, because "artor" is the plural.
Or is it?
What do you say?
Or is it?
What do you say?
Friday 13 March 2020
Day 2425: How to hoard like a Swede
Last week was all about mocking the Australians because they were hoarding toilet paper.
Well.
This week was all about imitating the Australians and hoarding toilet paper.
This week was also all about learning the Swedish verb "to hamster" (att hamstra) which means to hoard things, although you (hopefully) don't have to stuff them in your cheeks. I went on a photographic tour of my local supermarket to document the things which Stockholmers consider hamsterable. How do they compare with your local supermarket?
1.TUNA
Pros: Keeps for ages and is good protein. Cons: Too much of it will give you mercury poisoning.
2. CANNED SAUSAGES AND RAVIOLI
Pros: Canned goods can be hamstered for eons. Cons: Canned ravioli and sausage. Do I really have to spell out the cons for you?
3. MOZZARELLA AND PARMESAN
Pros: Italy is on lockdown so when are we gunna get more? Cons: You're so fucked in an apocalypse if you can't live without a bit of melty cheese.
4. BEEF OF VARIOUS KINDS
Pros: Can be frozen, so you can eke out your high carbon, rainforest destroying existence for slightly longer. Plus it has that whole manliness thing going for it. Cons: Literally any other meat or soya product is less soul and/or planet destroying.
4.5 BUT ONLY IF IT IS MINCED
Pros: Make the burgers. Cons: SLAB of beef? What is this SLAB you speak of? No SLAB only MINCE. There will be no SLAB in the apocalypse.
4.5.1 BLOOD PUDDING
Pros: I just...I don't even know, man. This is a cultural aspect of Sweden that I have not engaged with. Cons: It's a pudding made of blood. And they store it next to the cheesecake, which is a less desired apocalypse food.
5. FUCKING CARROTS
Pros: Beta Carotene. Cons: Why are you hoarding this? Super easy to grow yourself. Plus they're from FUCKING SWEDEN so there's like, 0 chance they will be blockaded/banned/taboo.
6. NOT CARROTS IN A BAG. OR AVOCADOS.
Pros: There are no pros here. You're all idiots. You only hoard if you have to pack the item yourself, or if it is ready to eat today. You won't even hoard it if it keeps for slightly longer and is clearly on sale. Nonsense.
7. GINGER
Pros: Immuno booster. I see why you all hamstered this. Cons: At 6 quid a kilo this is some serious middle class hamstering.
8. LEMONS
Pros: Together with that ginger you're basically immune to corona virus. Cons: Bit sour.
9. NOT YOU LIMES, FUCK OFF.
Pros: More for me. Cons: I dunno, y'all hate green or summat?
10.BAG OF LETTUCE
Pros: CLEARLY healthier than limes. Cons: Lasts about 5 minutes after you open the bag. A very poor choice for the long term apocalypse.
11. DRY PASTA, RICE, BULGUR, COUSCOUS, SPAGHETTI...
Pros: Bolognese for dayzzzz. Cons: This aisle was devastated. I have lost all faith in humanity.
11.5. KETCHUP
Pros: There's plenty of non-Heinz left. Cons: Swedish people eat Ketchup on pasta. Whatever shred of faith in humanity you had, it's gone now, hasn't it?
12. FRESH PASTA
Pros: You can buy it when all the dry pasta has been hamstered. Cons: At this point, everything is a con. Especially considering....
...13. FRESH SPINACH PASTA
Plenty of that. Hamstering is a very trend specific hobby.
14.BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD
Pros: BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD Cons: BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD
You hear corona zombies in the distance, what is that they are braying after? BREAD BREAD BREAD.
15.POOR QUALITY CINNAMON BUNS
Pros: When all the good quality buns are gone, these ones will outlast even your last born children. Cons: They taste mostly of additives so that they can outlast even your last born children.
16. SHIT CAVIAR IN A TUBE
Pros: Salty. Cons: Fish eggs in a tube. Just....okay. I have a Swedish passport but I am clearly not Swedish because ... I don't get it.
16.5 GOOD QUALITY CAVIAR
Pros: Is fine people, plenty of it.Cons: Where's that facepalm emoji when you need it...
17.NESCAFE INSTANT COFFEE
Pros: Now when Swedes tell you that they are the foremost nation of coffee drinkers you can point out that, when shit hits the fan, they are actually the foremost nation of shit instant granules.
Cons: If you are a Swede who hamsters Nescafe then you have some reflecting to do.
18. CHEESE PUFFS
Pros: If corona has taught us something about Sweden, it is that they are serious about their cheese. Cons: If you eat just one of these puffs, you will in fact have to consume the whole bag. Not a sustainable hamstering choice.
19. VANILLA YOGHURT
Pros: Er...It has vanilla in it? Cons: I don't understand why this one yoghurt trumps all the other yoghurts?
20.HICKORY BBQ SAUCE
Pros: Again.....the specific flavour. Cons: Hickory will forever be the flavour of the corona shutdown, eating hickory at any later date will transport you back to this terrible time of depression and desolation.
21.SALT
Pros: A good apocalypse choice, we can't live without salt! Cons: A box of salt lasts for literally years. How long do people think they are going to be in corona isolation?!
22. BROCCOLI
can fuck right off.
Well.
This week was all about imitating the Australians and hoarding toilet paper.
This week was also all about learning the Swedish verb "to hamster" (att hamstra) which means to hoard things, although you (hopefully) don't have to stuff them in your cheeks. I went on a photographic tour of my local supermarket to document the things which Stockholmers consider hamsterable. How do they compare with your local supermarket?
1.TUNA
Pros: Keeps for ages and is good protein. Cons: Too much of it will give you mercury poisoning.
2. CANNED SAUSAGES AND RAVIOLI
Pros: Canned goods can be hamstered for eons. Cons: Canned ravioli and sausage. Do I really have to spell out the cons for you?
3. MOZZARELLA AND PARMESAN
Pros: Italy is on lockdown so when are we gunna get more? Cons: You're so fucked in an apocalypse if you can't live without a bit of melty cheese.
Pros: Can be frozen, so you can eke out your high carbon, rainforest destroying existence for slightly longer. Plus it has that whole manliness thing going for it. Cons: Literally any other meat or soya product is less soul and/or planet destroying.
4.5 BUT ONLY IF IT IS MINCED
Pros: Make the burgers. Cons: SLAB of beef? What is this SLAB you speak of? No SLAB only MINCE. There will be no SLAB in the apocalypse.
4.5.1 BLOOD PUDDING
Pros: I just...I don't even know, man. This is a cultural aspect of Sweden that I have not engaged with. Cons: It's a pudding made of blood. And they store it next to the cheesecake, which is a less desired apocalypse food.
5. FUCKING CARROTS
Pros: Beta Carotene. Cons: Why are you hoarding this? Super easy to grow yourself. Plus they're from FUCKING SWEDEN so there's like, 0 chance they will be blockaded/banned/taboo.
6. NOT CARROTS IN A BAG. OR AVOCADOS.
Pros: There are no pros here. You're all idiots. You only hoard if you have to pack the item yourself, or if it is ready to eat today. You won't even hoard it if it keeps for slightly longer and is clearly on sale. Nonsense.
7. GINGER
Pros: Immuno booster. I see why you all hamstered this. Cons: At 6 quid a kilo this is some serious middle class hamstering.
8. LEMONS
Pros: Together with that ginger you're basically immune to corona virus. Cons: Bit sour.
9. NOT YOU LIMES, FUCK OFF.
Pros: More for me. Cons: I dunno, y'all hate green or summat?
10.BAG OF LETTUCE
Pros: CLEARLY healthier than limes. Cons: Lasts about 5 minutes after you open the bag. A very poor choice for the long term apocalypse.
11. DRY PASTA, RICE, BULGUR, COUSCOUS, SPAGHETTI...
Pros: Bolognese for dayzzzz. Cons: This aisle was devastated. I have lost all faith in humanity.
11.5. KETCHUP
Pros: There's plenty of non-Heinz left. Cons: Swedish people eat Ketchup on pasta. Whatever shred of faith in humanity you had, it's gone now, hasn't it?
12. FRESH PASTA
Pros: You can buy it when all the dry pasta has been hamstered. Cons: At this point, everything is a con. Especially considering....
...13. FRESH SPINACH PASTA
Plenty of that. Hamstering is a very trend specific hobby.
14.BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD
Pros: BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD Cons: BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD
You hear corona zombies in the distance, what is that they are braying after? BREAD BREAD BREAD.
15.POOR QUALITY CINNAMON BUNS
Pros: When all the good quality buns are gone, these ones will outlast even your last born children. Cons: They taste mostly of additives so that they can outlast even your last born children.
16. SHIT CAVIAR IN A TUBE
Pros: Salty. Cons: Fish eggs in a tube. Just....okay. I have a Swedish passport but I am clearly not Swedish because ... I don't get it.
16.5 GOOD QUALITY CAVIAR
Pros: Is fine people, plenty of it.Cons: Where's that facepalm emoji when you need it...
17.NESCAFE INSTANT COFFEE
Pros: Now when Swedes tell you that they are the foremost nation of coffee drinkers you can point out that, when shit hits the fan, they are actually the foremost nation of shit instant granules.
Cons: If you are a Swede who hamsters Nescafe then you have some reflecting to do.
18. CHEESE PUFFS
Pros: If corona has taught us something about Sweden, it is that they are serious about their cheese. Cons: If you eat just one of these puffs, you will in fact have to consume the whole bag. Not a sustainable hamstering choice.
19. VANILLA YOGHURT
Pros: Er...It has vanilla in it? Cons: I don't understand why this one yoghurt trumps all the other yoghurts?
20.HICKORY BBQ SAUCE
Pros: Again.....the specific flavour. Cons: Hickory will forever be the flavour of the corona shutdown, eating hickory at any later date will transport you back to this terrible time of depression and desolation.
21.SALT
Pros: A good apocalypse choice, we can't live without salt! Cons: A box of salt lasts for literally years. How long do people think they are going to be in corona isolation?!
22. BROCCOLI
can fuck right off.
Sunday 9 February 2020
Day 2392: Make like a tree and leave
Christmas was 47 days ago but people are still recycling their trees. And not just a few people, no, there must be a lot of people keeping their trees well into February because:
1. Demand for tree recycling points is high enough that the council has kept doing the clearing rounds 6 weeks after Christmas.
2. There are consistently piles of trees at these points.
3. Some roads are still covered in pine needles and smell like Christmas trees.
If there are still lots of people recycling trees, then there must also be a significant number of people who still have the trees at home somewhere. Like my neighbor...
I thought my neighbor might have forgotten that they even have a tree, because they threw it outside at the beginning of January, still with the lights on. Then it fell over mid January and nobody picked it up. But I can see now there are no lights on it any more, so there is a very slow, glacial even, cleaning process going on here. Maybe they will recycle it in March.
I was taught that it is bad luck to keep Christmas decorations around after the 6th January. Also, trees shed their needles everywhere after a while, so why keep them around? This tree hoarding behaviour just adds further evidence to my mounting case that Swedish people are extremely image conscious, projecting an outward appearance of being sleek, tidy, well designed, organised and clean while secretly hoarding old christmas trees and god only knows what else in their houses. No wonder nobody wants to invite you round for dinner, they've probably got several month's worth of crap built up that they can't be bothered to take away.
Tuesday 14 January 2020
Day 2366: Are police even police if they don't police?
Yesterday,
two massive explosions ripped through occupied buildings in Uppsala and
Stockholm, the former in a night club and the latter in a fully
occupied apartment block. These explosions miraculously did not kill
anyone, but they did blow out all the glass in the area and give all the
inhabitants an understandable shock. Explosions are currently a popular
tactic with criminal gangs, last year in Sweden there were over 100 explosions in inhabited areas. These
explosions are so common that the Swedish police were forced in November
last year to begin "Operation Rimfrost" which focuses specifically on
criminal gangs blowing shit up.
I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that there are criminal gangs up to no good in England, but I am pretty sure if they blew up occupied buildings on a regular basis for several years there would be 1) a national emergency 2) a media shitstorm 3) protests 4) the intelligence service raining down hell. Or, at the VERY LEAST 5) people talking about it and being concerned. Are any of these things happening in Sweden? No. "Big fat explosion in central Stockholm and another one in Uppsala" is not front page news today, despite happening just yesterday. Nobody at work was talking about it. Among friends and family, the most reaction I've had is a raised eyebrow and a concerned tut.
Why there isn't national outrage over gangs using explosions on citizens as a casual form of revenge? The nation is sticking its head in the ground and pretending nothing is happening! How has Sweden become a place where explosions are so everyday that society hardly bats an eyelid? I mean really, what the actual fuck? I hate to use the phrase "wake up sheeple" but....wake up sheeple! Just because this shit is being downplayed in the media, doesn't make it no deal. It's a deal. It's a very big deal! "Operation Rimfrost" was only brought into action after nearly a hundred incidents, and even now, if you read what it says on the police website, they are promising that their efforts "are going to have effects". Not that their efforts are already doing something, no, they are PLANNING on doing something, soon. The last time I called the police was in December about a break-in. It took them 8 minutes to connect me to a switchboard and more than an hour to dispatch a car, which arrived way after the intruder had left and driven by two officers who had not been given the description of said intruder. I teach CHILDREN more effective than that! Are there monkeys working in the police station?
 |
| https://www.svd.se/kraftig-explosion-i-stockholm-asn8 |
Why there isn't national outrage over gangs using explosions on citizens as a casual form of revenge? The nation is sticking its head in the ground and pretending nothing is happening! How has Sweden become a place where explosions are so everyday that society hardly bats an eyelid? I mean really, what the actual fuck? I hate to use the phrase "wake up sheeple" but....wake up sheeple! Just because this shit is being downplayed in the media, doesn't make it no deal. It's a deal. It's a very big deal! "Operation Rimfrost" was only brought into action after nearly a hundred incidents, and even now, if you read what it says on the police website, they are promising that their efforts "are going to have effects". Not that their efforts are already doing something, no, they are PLANNING on doing something, soon. The last time I called the police was in December about a break-in. It took them 8 minutes to connect me to a switchboard and more than an hour to dispatch a car, which arrived way after the intruder had left and driven by two officers who had not been given the description of said intruder. I teach CHILDREN more effective than that! Are there monkeys working in the police station?
 |
| https://xkcd.com/1013/ |
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