Friday 30 January 2015

Day 527: Spongebob Square

Don't get me wrong, Spongebob Squarepants is probably weird in all languages. Here's the English version if you haven''t heard it (where have you BEEN?)


But there's just something ridiculously hilarious about Svampbob Fyrkant, as he's known in Swedish. I think it's just something about how fucking LITERAL the name is, I just don't know. Hey kids, this is a show about a FOUR-CORNERED SQUARE that is also a SPONGE! (Or possibly a mushroom or a scourer depending on how your translate svamp....context is important, kids!) Also, somehow it's more surreal maybe, that it is in fact Bob who is square, and not his pants. Mind. Blown.



Är ni med, barn? / Are ya ready kids?
Aj aj, kapten! / Ay Ay Captain!
Jag hör er inte! / I don't hear you!
Aj aj, kapten! / Ay Ay Captain!
Åååååååååååååh.. / Ooooooooooh
Vem bor i en ananas djupt i det blå? / Who lives in a pineaple deep in the blue?
Svampbob Fyrkant! / Sponge Bob Square
Gul och porös, absorberar som få! / Yellow and porous, absorbs what he gets
Svampbob Fyrkant! / Sponge Bob Square
Jag varnar dig kompis, visst finns det en risk! / I'm warning you friend, of course there's a risk
Svampbob Fyrkant! / Sponge Bob Square
Bob får dig att gapa precis som en fisk! / Bob makes you gape just like a fish!
Svampbob Fyrkant! / Sponge Bob Square
Redo? / Ready
Svampbob Fyrkant! / Sponge Bob Square

Tuesday 27 January 2015

Day 524: Swedish Advertising

Advertising. It's the bane of existence...right? The comedian Bill Hicks once asked people who worked in Marketing to kill themselves, such was his hatred of people trying to sell us stuff.

But today during my commute I realised that, actually, billboards here in Sweden aren't always trying to sell me stuff. I've accidentally stumbled upon this subject before, while talking about the Feminist Initiative spreading awareness and Anarchists trying to destroy adverts using counterproductive methods. In these posts, the adverts mentioned were spreading information for public awareness rather than for sales purposes, and this seems to be fairly common. Here are a few pictures I took today in the tunnelbana in Stockholm, all of these are next to, or opposite, each other:

"Recycle if it's beyond saving! Do an Electrical cleanse!"

"We must be better at economising the world's resources"

"Choose the right fish for the future"

So there's the proof, public awareness campaigns are, indeed, common.

"But just how common?" I wondered. "And how likely am I to see some interesting information instead of being encouraged to buy something?"

That's when I did some very low intensity research. A sample you might say. I made a tally of every single advert I saw for the rest of the day and put them into categories; "Selling" if the advert wanted me to buy a product, "Public Info" if the advert wanted me to make more ethical/environmentally friendly choices, "Education and Training" if it was a school or college being advertised, "Gym/Public health" as a separate category (because even though they're businesses I feel it's a bit more public-health orientated than being encouraged to drink coke) and "Event" for concerts and sports events. The results are in!


Predictably "Selling" has the majority. But interestingly it doesn't even make up half of all the adverts I saw. And even more interestingly, there were very few different companies which actually make up that block of 39%. Around a fifth of all adverts I saw in the "Selling" category were from Coca-Cola  while a further sixth of the adverts were from Volvo. There were none, or very few, of the adverts I would describe as common in England, such as for McDonalds.

The "Public Information" category weighs in at around a quarter of all the adverts I saw. For someone desensitised to seeing them, perhaps this does not seem too high a number. But for me, coming from a country with next to no such adverts (and more importantly, a country which doesn't invest enough money in such projects to allow widespread advertising) a quarter is A LOT. I'm impressed that everyone is told to save the environment, consider the chemicals they put down the drain, recycle, eat sustainably and god only knows what else on a daily basis.

All this being said, I can appreciate that some of the adverts I've labelled as "Public Service" are still, implicitly, trying to get people to buy things, albeit more environmentally friendly things. So that just raises the question, are Swedes obsessed with saving the planet because their adverts encourage them, or do the adverts target the enviro-conscious Swede because that's just the way they are?

Monday 19 January 2015

Wednesday 14 January 2015

Day 511: The White Line

The definitive worst thing about snow is its ability to melt and refreeze into an ice rink making all roads treacherous. This week my boss sent everyone a "welcome back to a new term" email, in which the bulk of the words were spent detailing how she had decked it outside a school and we should all take care not to fall over out there!

There's only one place of refuge at a time like this, the centre of Uppsala. God knows how much money is spent on this but the entire central portion of the city has underfloor heating which melts all the ice. The line where the heating stops is clearly visible.






Wednesday 7 January 2015

Day 504: 100th Post Best Bits Recap


Welcome back, it's 2015 somehow already and time for the 100th post of my blog, a feat I never thought I could accomplish since I have the attention span of a small hyperactive child on MDMA. But yes, Sweden really has turned out weird enough to write at least 100 things about. I hope you all had a God Jul (Merry Christmas) and a Gott Nytt År (Happy New Year) two things about which I wrote precisely nothing since I went back to England and ate Christmas Pudding (not eaten here) pulled Christmas crackers (not pulled here) and ignored the Queen's speech (..Okay, that is ignored here too)

I'm going to take this opportunity to run down the author-chosen top 10 weirdest things I have encountered over the last 100 posts. Enjoy!

Nummer tio
Swedish movies are not actually limited to Ingmar Bergman's works, and Swedish Music does not all sound like Abba. Also, there is a fantastic movie which proves both of these things at the same time and can be watched for free online.


Nummer nio
I've been here long enough now to have probably eaten my own body weight in tortilla chips, thanks to the Swedish obsession with eating TexMex on Fridays.

Nummer åtta
Note leaving is an entirely acceptable form of anger. In addition, the more gender-equal and passive aggressive the note, the better. Notes are permitted in places of work, on houses of neighbours and probably even when handed to strangers directly when passing them in the street, or sticking them on people as post-its. In a similar vein, Swedes will not contravene orders given in note or sign form.

Nummer sju
Fika (coffee break) is not Fika without 800 calories of cream crammed into a slice of diabetes. If that sounds great! then take a look at my recipes for semlor, cinnamon buns, waffles and princess cake.

Nummer sex
I was right to believe that Swedes care about the environment. They recycle so much they have to queue for the privilege,  use only environmentally friendly busses and even go so far as to invent a machine to scoop up trees and move them instead of uprooting them during building works!

Nummer fem
Fuck me these people care about candles. So much so that I had to write not one but TWO whole posts on the subject.

Nummer fyra
Ice cream vans. In Arctic weather. at 11pm. What the.fuck Sweden. What. The. Fuck.

Nummer tre
There has to be a National Reason To Celebrate at least once every six weeks. Nothing to do in September, oh! well, there are Crayfish so let's celebrate that. School's out? Oh, well let's ride in trucks and get drunk. The days are getting longer? Oh, well let's get absolutely rat-arsed and sleep in our own vomit. What about "Our Lady's Day" (Vår Fru Dag) which sounds a bit like "Wa-ffle-Dag"? Oh! Well let's have a whole day to eat waffles then!

Nummer två
CIF IS STILL CALLED JIF HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT MAJOR NEWS IN ENGLAND???????!

Nummer ett
Here it is, the weirdest thing about Sweden: people put their shopping in a line on the checkout counter instead of in a pile AND they rotate the items so that the barcode faces the scanner to help the cashier's wrists.  They all do this, collectively, as a society, for the good of the cashier. Cue twilight zone music.