Day 390: Valfläsk

Valfläsk [vahl-flesk] is a Swedish word which means "whale meat".

It also, by some linguistic jiggery-pokery, means election rhetoric.

Today Sweden had its election orgasm after a ridiculously long and drawn out build up consisting of being hit in the face by valfläsk repeatedly. Valfäsk here looks like a bald man, a tired pockfaced porky man and a young bespectacled man, none of whom should ever be used, ever, in an analogy describing sex. 

There are, in fact, a lot more than 3 parties in Sweden. Here everybody loves the little parties. But the people who get the most airtime are, organised helpfully by which side they represent,

The leader of the biggest leftist party (Stefan Löfven)

I'm awesome because I have a red tie

The leader of the rightist party, and current PM (Fredrik Reinfeldt)

I'm awesome despite my red tie

The leader of the racist Sweden Democrats party (Jimmy Åkesson)

I'm Åwesome becåse I håve ån Å in my nåme

I don't want to scare away my readers with all the millions and billions (ok, slight exaggeration) of other small parties, but needless to say there are many, of whom some of the biggest are the Feminists, the Greens, the People's party (not socialist) the Pirates (not actual pirates) the centreparty (actually farmers) and the Left party. For the last few years, Sweden has had a coalition of right wing parties in power who, unlike the coalition in England that was a divisive failure, actually agreed on several things. Much to the chagrin of lefties överallt.

Aaaaanyway. I don't want to sound like I know anything about politics here because I actually know fuck ALL. The only thing I can say is that I've seen a lot of crap posted around town on billboards (My personal favourite VOTE FOR SCHOOLS! because hey, those people who think "I'm going to vote against schools" need some persuading). There has been a lot of debate about whether the racist party should have the right to advertise their racist ideas, and this has lead to Jimmy ÅÅÅÅÅÅkesson's face being plastered all over the news every day, and in my blog, while people ask that question repeatedly. He therefore made it into my top 3 people who you hear about during elections. Damn, somebody get me JÅÅÅÅÅ's PA guy!

The other big issues have been schools ("Let's throw more money at them and not really think about raising training standards!!") Nuclear power (Close them! Make them better! What about turbines! Uranium! Solar cells! Incomprehensible oneupmanship!) Old people (Give them better food in their old people's homes, that'll quiet 'em down!!) building Stockholm for the oncoming hoards (what colour should the new tube line be!!!! Lets put some parks in the ghettos, make 'em better!) and immigration (They're great, they do all our shitty jobs for us!)

VOTING

Voting here is in some ways very efficient. In other ways, not so much.

For instance, I got a voting card in the post so that I could make my choice in the local elections, not the general, despite only living here a year. I didn't have to register in any way, like I do in England even though I was born there, I just got the vote card through the letterbox with instructions of where to go.

But.

When you toddle on down to the school where they've set up a poll station, there are lots of cards laid out for you to choose by the door (see pic above.) These cards each have the name of the party you want to vote for at the top. This for me is an incredibly open system where anyone can see which party's card you're taking and leaves you open to the possibility that someone can remark upon your choice. In England you take a poll card with every single name and party and set a cross by the one you want while in the privacy of the booth, so nobody can see who you chose. I much prefer this system.

Don't worry if you're a n00b with no idea what you're doing, a handy poster tells you what to do. Unless you're me and you take the card to the poll booth and, after seeing the poster, still stand there like an idiot not knowing what to do. In my case, there were around 30 names on the party card, and I didn't know how to vote for none of them. Fortunately I did the right thing and simply placed the card with no pen marks into an envelope. This felt weird, as you always have to mark your ballot in England otherwise it's meaningless. I also forgot to seal the envelopes before handing them to the people at the desk, who looked at me like I had no idea what I was doing. Which I didn't.

Voila. First election in Sweden (not so deftly) handled. Now can they please clean up all the valfläsk that's lying in the streets, I'm sick of their stupid faces and empty slogans. (Some things are the same the whole world over.)

Day 397: Smashy smashy happy happy

Someone in Uppsala likes going around and smashing all the adverts. They think they are making an anti-advertising statement but instead they're making life hard for underpaid workers like this one, who are predominantly immigrants might I add.

Ironically in this particular picture the man is cleaning up the glass around an election campaign advert which reads "create more jobs!!".

They've been smashing adverts since they had the bright idea 8 months ago to steal the little red thingies on the bus which break the emergency exit glass. This now means that there is often broken glass everywhere which the advertisers in their limitless funding just replace time and time again, while the buses now have no means to escape through the emergency exits in times of emergency. FUCK ME ANARCHISTS, YOU'RE SO CLEVER!

Sometimes they just write slogans over the adverts with a sharpie pen instead. Or draw moustaches.

Don't get me wrong, advertising is the devil's handiwork. But I don't think leaving a trail of smashed glass around town is going to a) stop advertisers from advertising or fixing broken adverts or b) encourage citizens over to the cause or c) help in an emergency bus situation. or d) give Mohamed here a good day.

Day 387: Stop, oh yes wait a minute mr. postman

I have given some thought as to whether it would be better to be a postman in Sweden or in England, here are my musings on the topic.

Advantages:

1. Get a company bike and Sweden is quite bike friendly
2. Don't have to walk far with a heavy post sack
3. Get to be outdoors in the sunshine
4. Stringent (sometimes bordering on ridiculous) health and safety laws meaning you don't have to carry much e.g.:
5. Parcels are delivered to depots and people pick them up themselves so you don't have to carry them

Disadvantages:

1. Portuppgång [port-upp-gong] the stairwell leading to individual apartments in a block of flats.How many of these bastard stairwells does a poor postman have to climb in a day? Okay, you can trundle round on a bike 5 meters between doors to blocks of flats but then you have to climb up 4 stories (or more) to 12 different houses (or more) in each one. And they're all the frikkin'same street after street! Do postmen even ride their bikes? Is there any point?
2. Ericsson. Johnsson. Nyqvist. Karlsson. Everyone here has the same name. I would bet good money that many portuppgång have at least 2 of the same name. And letters don't have door numbers, just names. In fact, I really wouldn't be surprised if there was a portuppgång where every single person was called Anna Andersson.
3. Yeah you read that NO DOOR NUMBERS. Wtf Sweden. Everyone who lives in someone else's house, I.e. Rents it or lives with a friend, will not receive their mail because their name isn't on the door. Or, if you receive a letter without your name to your portuppgång it's undeliverable. If you try to pick up a parcel without a name, but with the rest of your address on, the staff will act as if this is the most INCREDIBLY BIZZARE package that has ever existed, and you are a thief trying to steal it. I reiterate at this point: no door numbers, everyone with the same name. (Side note: going to people's houses is also difficult. You usually have to know the door code and surname in advance otherwise you can't get into the portuppgång and there is no doorbell you can ring either. So you just have to stand outside like a knob.)
4. Did I seriously write "get to be outdoors" as an advantage? What a knob. This is Sweden. Deliver post on a bike at 7am in the pitch dark while a blizzard rages? No ta.
5. "INGEN REKLAM TACK" is there a single person in Sweden who doesn't have a no junk mail sticker on their door? A single one? What do the postmen do with all the junk mail then? How much of their energy is spent carrying unwanted advertising up and down the portuppgång? This is a very miljö conscious country, think of the wasted energy there! The man (oh sorry this is a very gender equal country too, OR WOMAN) who harnesses this lost energy will be very rich indeed. I'm pretty sure companies don't stop sending junk mail just because people have that sticker.
6. The ikea catalogue (aka Swedish bible) that gets delivered to every house once a year. Carry that? Nope, not me.

In conclusion: Don't be a postman. Unless you're a sadist. A poor sadist who needs the money.