Day 431: A guide to candles

Woah. Woah. Woah,

Why the fuck do we need a guide to candles?

They're wax, have a wick, you light them on fire. Sometimes, if you're fancy, they have a scent. But that's it. We don't need a blog post about that, thanks.

Well.

Sorry, but you do. This is SWEDEN. And the clocks went back today. That means it gets dark at 3pm and Swedish people break out the candles, big ones, little ones, round ones, tall ones, tealight-y ones, smelly ones...you get the idea. If you suffer from clinical depression like a colleague of mine, Swedish people will prescribe candles to you as an antidote to winter blues, because hey, who doesn't FUCKING LOVE CANDLES IN 70 DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES!!!

I took a ridiculously long time researching these, as I didn't have a clue what they were all called in English and was reminded along the way of that saying about the inuit having 100 words for snow. Credits to Åhlens and Clas Ohlsson for stocking what can only be described as a fucktonne of candles.

BLOCKLJUS (pillar candle)

I chose this particular one because it's called PRICK

ADVENTLJUS (advent candles)

To count down each week in December

VÄRMELJUS (tea lights)

I guess if you light enough of them they'll create warmth?

BATTERIDRIVNA VÄRMELJUS (electric tealight)

For the fire conscious Swede

 

MARSCHALL (outdoor candles)

These are outside shops so people don't bump into them, or something...

KRONLJUS (straight candles)

Literally "crown candles" but not the go-to choice for putting on your head

KANALLJUS (straight candles)

THESE are the go-to choice when you want candles on your head

DOFTLJUS (scented candles)

The smelly Swede's choice

LJUSLYKTA (candle holder for a tealight)

The name meaning "votive" or given as an offering (in church)

LJUSSTAKE (candelabra)

Literally "LIGHT STAKE". Yeah, take that, vampires.

LJUSFAT (candle tray)

When a regular tray just won't cut it.

TÄRNLJUS (handmaiden's candle)

For leading processions in dark places

LYKTA (lantern)

A standard lantern

STALLYKTA (lantern)

A, er, standard lantern...

TOMTELYKTA (Santa's lantern)

A standard lantern, such that Santa might use

STORMLYKTA (storm lantern)

A standard lantern to keep the wind away from the candle

HÄNGLYKTA (hanging lantern)

A standard lantern that has a hook for hanging

If I've missed a candle, please do inform me of my IGNORANCE.

Day 425: Swinglish Shopping

Last Friday in the pub I was chatting to someone who just moved here and she was asking me where to buy some specific items. We both decided it would be useful to compare English and Swedish shops for reference purposes. To that end, I present the (completely unbiased and impartial) guide to swinglish shopping!

Day 421: Midnight feast

I was walking home at 9.30 pm. It was dark, it was around 4 degrees (which I think is cold, even if Swedish girls will still wear crop tops at that temp) and I heard a funny noise.

"Surely that's not an ice cream truck?" I thought to myself.

But I live in Sweden now, so that wasn't as logical a thought as it should have been. Actually that was the family friendly version of what I thought. What I actually said, out loud, was "Are you fucking joking?" as I rounded the corner to my house and a man coming out of the gate thought I was speaking to him.

He wasn't fucking joking. Swedish people really do love their late night, same-temp-as-outside, milky treats. In fact, my posting about ice cream actually convinced a Swedish friend to go and eat late-night ice cream.

He makes a good point, inside the average Swedish house the temperature is always the same, around 22 degrees. Clearly the demand for ice cream is there. This makes me think, are there any late night food delivery trucks (with a little jingle) that we are lacking in England?

We have ice cream vans, sure, but I'm talking about vans which serve a food which English people are known to be crazy about, as Swedes are for ice cream. I know we already have a 5* rated (dubious) kebab van and a round-about-town Hare Krishna curry vehicle but they're not quite the same. They don't drive to your local area, play a jingle and satisfy a craving you didn't have until you heard the sound. Where are the fish N chip vans, Beef wellington vans and strawberries and cream vans? "Oh look the BBC is showing a 10pm movie and the Victoria Sponge van has come just in time for a movie snack."

In case you were wondering, there are herring vans here, too. And more than a few hot dog vans.

Day 411: Proactive Feminism

A commendable advertising campaign is out and about at the moment. The Swedish Women's Lobby Group invites everyone to report sexualised imagery of women by taking a picture, uploading it to facebook or suchlike, and tagging it #reklamera. The reported images will be shown to the government and action will be taken to block them. This is a much more proactive form of protest than smashing up a bus stop.

WHAT WOULD THE TUBE BE WITHOUT A FEW HALFNAKED FEMALE BODIES? 

You would normally see a picture of a sexualised woman here. Sexualised advertising makes women feel bad and makes them want to change their bodies. This is a hindrance to equality . Together we can take this space back. Are you with us?