Day 1204: Rolling back

It's been over a hundred days since I last wrote a blog post. I had given it up as a lost cause, but then some strange things happened.

First, people started asking me when I was going to update my blog. And I'm not talking close friends and family who are contractually obliged to care (they don't care about the blog as it happens, so maybe they are the ones I'm contractually obliged to forgive...) I mean really random unrelated friends and collegues.

Second I signed up for the world record breaking Reddit secret Santa gift exchange between 15,000 people. It asks you to list your hobbies and give any websites about you (your reddit profile, an amazon wish list, a personal web site) to help inspire your potential Santa. I gave my blog for reference but it felt a bit pointless since it was neglected.

Third and BEST OF ALL my blog actually contributed to my EARNING MONEY! Well, mostly my old China plate (yeah I use cockney rhyming slang now) Helen Jones got me the deal since she's got some fingers in some communication pies (mmm communication pies) but the man who gave me the commission said something along the lines of "yeah I read it" when I told him I had a blog so....it's something!

I was asked to write a 15,000 word document about all aspects of life in Uppsala to help anyone moving there. Unfortunately it's not my intellectual property any more (BECAUSE I SOLD IT MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK YEAH)  so I can't give you a slice (mmm communication pies). Needless to say I managed to get the Flogsta scream nestled somewhere in there.

HUR SOM HELST (ANYWAY)

All of that was just a preamble to say I am motivated as HELL to complain at y'all about the FUCKING GODDAMN ESCALATORS IN STOCKHOLM (and to a lesser extent IN UPPSALA *SHAKES FIST*)

Yes! I'm back! I'm complaining about escalators!

I am simply in disbelief about how many escalators don't work. Here's a statistic I just totally made up on the spot: at any given time in Stockholm 1/3 of all escalators are not working. "It's totally made up" you scoff "that's a ridiculous number of escalators, if you're going to make up a figure at least make it believable!" But you're wrong! It IS BELIEVABLE and almost TRUE! I use the metro a lot. A lot. At least 4 times a day, every day. Even on weekends when I get land legs from being still too long from not being on an escalator and just go out for a few hours and ride on the escalators around town. I don't ride them around town, that's not possible although it would be awesome. Wait, no it wouldn't because they'd all BE FUCKING BROKEN.

Stupid comments aside, there are far too many escalators not escalating. Here are the top 5 reasons why they are not doing what they are supposed to be doing according to their name:

1. NO REASON
Nope, no reason. They're just not moving. There's usually a totally unhelpful orange sticker that says "REPORTED". Sometimes I wonder if someone came and repaired the escalator in the 12 hour period in which I was not using it, and then one minute before I came back again it broke again so they had to stick a new sticker. Good business for the sticker people.

2. THERE'S A GUY IN IT
A lot of escalators can't run because there are people inside them changing bits and fixing bits. But I have definitely, more than once, seen a broken escalator that had people inside it "fixing it" just a week before. Sometimes I ride on a new looking escalator and instead of thinking nothing which is normal on an escalator ride, I am instead asking myself how long it will be before this new escalator is broken. I tell myself it will not be long. And I am right, go me.

3. THERE'S A WOMAN IN IT
Because she fell in and got horrific leg injuries and then all of Stockholm had a massive health and safety orgasm and decided to do a complete audit of the escalators IN THE WHOLE OF THE CITY and completely change out 32 of them. Normally I would be happy about them "fixing" the escalators but see #2 above. Also, the fixing of the DEATH TRAP ESCALATORS is also in addition to all the other problems I am mentioning, so now my statistic is looking kinda reasonable, huh.

4. NO REASON
I can't stress this one enough. This is NOT A VALID EXCUSE. I come from a city with ten times the number of people using the metro escalators, with MILLIONS of journeys every day. Not once in all my many years as a Londoner have I ever been so fucked off with the shitty shitty broken escalators that I wanted to rant for all the world to read about it. In fact, Stockholm you are SO SHIT AT ESCALATORS I think you should just LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HUNDRED YEAR OLD WOODEN ESCALATOR IN GREENFORD THAT IS STILL FUCKING WORKING AND LEARN SOME LESSONS.

FUCKING LOOK AT IT!

picture is from Ewan Munroe

5. NÖDSTOPP
Because there are trolls everywhere and not just on the internet, some people think that there are not enough escalators already out of service that they need to PRESS THE EMERGENCY STOP BUTTON FOR NO REASON. You know this has happened because there is a big flashing sign above the escalator that says NÖDSTOPP. Again, after a lifetime of living in London (millions of journeys, millions of fucktard trolls there too) I have never encountered an escalator that was out of use for several hours because someone pressed the emergency stop. That's probably because the sign that says Emergency Stop is about that big, under another sign that says PENALTY FOR IMPROPER USE in that size font. Also, it's a small button in the centre of a framed module placed in the centre of a large gap between escalators, so pressing it is a bit like a fairground attraction designed to make you lose money. Meanwhile the Stockholm emergency stop is a huge, round, shiny, emergency button that is, frankly, tempting.

I stand by my 1/3 of escalators statement (and I'll continue standing there because the travellator is out of service.) If an escalator is not escalating then what is it? And if an escalator falls in a Swedish wood and there's nobody around to see it, is it out of service? The answer is yes.