2998 days is around 8.2 years, and 8.2 years is approximately 25% of my life on this planet. So having spent a quarter of my life in Sweden I can say with reasonable certainty that the following things will never feel normal.
1. Not closing curtains, or even having curtains to close.
Here's a picture of my neighbors this evening. Bottom floor: 3 different kitchens which you can see all the way into. That neighbor bottom left I feel I know fairly intimately even though I've never met her. Second floor, bedrooms with mood lighting. Third floor, a mix. Fourth floor, not home, go burgle.
I say this after closing the blinds myself, because my Swedish boyfriend is happy to sit in a brightly lit room after dark with all everything open.
I've learned how to have all the curtains open in the daytime otherwise there isn't much light in these parts, but full visibility at the end of the day when I'm trying to loaf around in fucking old pyjamas and a headscarf, picking my nose and watching embarassing TV? No.
2. "You're from England! I love England!"
I'd like to get to know you person to person, not really fetishized nationality to fetishized nationality, ya know? Ya get me? Ya understand? Oh you have relatives in England OK. Oh, you holiday there at least once a year, OK. Oh, you're continuing to talk to me in English even though we're in a workplace and other people are here who aren't necessarily interested in conversing in English, OK, I'll just keep speaking Swedish, OK?
Oh - it's been a few weeks since I last saw you and you're going to greet me with over the top British greetings every time, aren't you. Right. OK.
No I don't really have time to "explain Brexit" right now, sorry.
Can we talk about all the things that are weird in Sweden and that Swedish people do? No? That's a bit uncomfortable for you? OK. FISH AND CHIPS. CUPPA TEA. RULE BRITANNIA. Ah now we're friends again.
3. Calling the police and not getting an answer
I've had to call the police about four or five times since living here, once it was extremely urgent because I saw someone breaking and entering, and another time it was less urgent because I found a stolen bike and wanted to report it. For the bike, I had to wait an hour, hang up and call again, wait another fifteen minutes and then be told there was nothing they could do. For the break in, I had to wait fifteen minutes, describe what I had seen (past tense, it was over) and then several hours later an officer called me while I was at work to ask where the crime was, to which I replied that the criminal was most certainly long gone. Another time I saw some teenagers on a stolen police motorcycle so I called to report that, and after waiting to be connected I was told that I had not seen what I thought I saw, and it was impossible, goodbye.
Shitty police services which are chronically underfunded and reactionary rather than a help to the community I am completely used to. Not even being able to get through on the phone when there is an emergency is... mind boggling. I sincerely hope I am never involved in an emergency for which I need an emergency service fast.
4. Dry, dry, dry, dry, DRY
Seriously though, it's dry.
Some positive benefits of this include less mould in bathrooms here than in the UK, washing never smells damp, fewer pests in homes, that cold-to-your-bones-creeping-damp feeling doesn't happen, and you can watch your tea evaporate in swirls.
5. Exactly the same objects in different people's houses
Honestly I just took the first thing that came into my head (svenskt tenn candle holder of which everyone either has an exact version or some cheaper version of swirly metal blah) but there are MANY examples of this.
I'm used to people having similar decor or following trends, but these trends that transcend time and everyone having inherited the same object/getting it for a wedding/being gifted it/buying it for themselves after queueing for hours to get into svenskt tenn (yes, people do this. Even during a pandemic) is just....nuts.
Also the very staunch "I am an individual and my choices should be respected" stance that Swedes strive for is really undermined by the "I own exactly the same items as everyone else" stance - not because I don't think they should be respected, but maybe because there's not a whole lot of individuality going on...
Also how do I know people have the same things? See #1
6. Energy Drinks
For such a little country with such a small selection of everything else, Sweden has an absolute shit tonne of different energy drinks. That fine venn diagram crossover of sugar, caffeine and sports marketing just really gives such a massive boost to this pile of shit industry in a country that loves consuming, and then consuming ways to burn off the consumption.
7. Baptized?!
For a country which is supposedly three-quarters non-religious, there's a whole lotta baptism going on. 4/10 babies apparently is the latest figure. And among people my age and older, there are a lot more baptized non-religious people.
That's all for now, folks. Tune in again eventually for part 2. đ
