Day 1293: A tourist in your own town

Living in Sweden means making regular trips home to see the family and reconnect with close friends. Fortunately for me, home is London and no matter how many times I go back there, I always find new and exciting things to do, or still enjoy some old favourite haunts. For anyone making a trip to London, here's what I got up to in my "Sportlov" that you might like to try, too.

1. Fuller's Brewery Tour

The only large scale brewery left within London, Fuller's are a huge commercial enterprise most famous for London Pride beer. Funnily enough the largest market for exports is....Sweden! Tours of the brewery run every day, and include a tasting at the end. I've been on tours of smaller breweries before, and still this tour taught me a lot. Check it out here.

2. Colombia Road Flower Market

I took my mum out for the day and while we were having a coffee we noticed EVERYONE was walking past with bunches of flowers. Eventually we asked an American sitting beside us about the source of the flowers and it was Colombia Road market. Every Sunday officially until 2pm this busy market is bursting with sights and smells of thousands of flowers and plants. Although we were late, at about 3:30pm, it worked in our favour as all the stalls were closing and offering cut prices on everything!

3. The Farm

There are several farms to be found even in the deepest recesses of the concrete jungle. Usually nestled on unwanted land beside railway tracks, gems such as the Kentish Town City Farm and the Spitalfields City Farm offer quiet oases and an opportunity to see week-old lambs and kids just a few steps from the mad, bustling tourist hotspots. This time I even managed to meet Britain's rarest goat, the Bagot. There are fewer than 100 of them and they rarely venture out of Staffordshire!

4. Covent Garden 

With throngs of mindless tourists, endless repetition of high end chain stores and a really bloody old tube station that can't cope with 10 people let alone 10,000, Covent Garden is not one of my, or any Londoner's, favourite haunts. It is, however, very convenient for friends who want to meet despite living an hour away in opposite directions. If you end up there on a weekday, charmless chain Dirty Martini have happy hour all day and Flavour-of-the-Month restaurant Dishoom have a branch nearby if you like waiting outside in a storm for an hour for a table. Keep your eyes peeled at the tube station for free bus pass holders!

 5. Late Night Movies on Sky

We just had to pay for our TV license here in Sweden, even though I never watch TV. It's time for me to seek out something similar to any of the myriad TV services in England, which you can pause, rewind, record and manually control. Absolutely great for randomly watching old movies you'd forgotten even existed (I watched the Fifth Element and the Jungle Book just because. And yes I have Netflix, but sometimes you want fate to decide your movie choice!)

6. Pancake Day

Shrove Tuesday. Mardi Gras, Fettisdagen...whatever you want to call it, don't forget to eat something very indulgent on this important day! I only managed 4 pancakes this year but they were really good ones! I made pancakes with my family and friends for maximum effect, but if I was a tourist I would definitely go to My Old Dutch, a fantastic pancake house!

7. London Fields Lido

Since I've unwittingly taken on some Swedish culture, I felt compelled by all those pancakes to do something physical. Somehow I managed to find the motivation to swim outside on a stormy, blustery night which whipped the steam rising from the warm water into an ethereal mist and made it feel like I was swimming in some weird pancake day Limboland. The only other people crazy enough to shower outside in the cold and dark were speaking in Swedish so that says everything really. Care to try?

8. BBC Radio Audience

If you apply in advance and get lucky, you can be in the audience for a BBC production totally free, nada, zilch, zero dollah. I went with my dad to sit in the audience for a BBC Radio 4 comedy called "Newsjack"  recorded at BBC Broadcasting house in central London.

9. Board Game Bar, Haggerston

Draughts was a new place I wanted to try, but unfortunately it was completely packed out with hipsters playing Jenga and ignoring the hundreds of other board games on the shelves. You have to book a table well in advance if you want to try this place! We ended up in a nice pub around the corner called the Glory. When I sent the address to a friend she discovered from Google that this is a "Super-Gay" pub which explained the Shirley Bassey on the speakers, the glitter hanging from the ceiling and the flowers climbing up the walls. Oh, and all the single sex couples of course. It was much more welcoming than the board game place at any rate!

10. Deptford Sushi and Job Centre

From Haggerston to Deptford, I did a real pilgrimage to gentrification central on this trip . And I'm glad I did, because Deptford has some of the cheapest, tastiest Japanese food ever, and you can bring your own booze to M&D Sushi. Just down the road is an old Job Centre, turned into a pub imaginatively called The Job Centre. This was an insult to some people...

11. Troxy Music Venue

Friday night's entertainment came in the form of the Gentleman's Dub Club, funnily enough a dub band also throwing out a bit of reggae, ska, dubstep and beyond. The venue is fitted out in art deco style both inside and out, again a place I never even knew existed.

12. Crystal Maze

The Crystal Maze was a popular 90's TV show in which contestants in a team faced puzzles in little rooms found in four distinctly different "zones". If they solved the puzzles they received crystals to redeem for time in the Dome where they collected shiny tickets to exchange for real prizes. Some clever moneyspinners made a real life version of the Crystal Maze and it is so popular my friends and I had to book a spot a year in advance. It was worth it though, as we ran about and quested our way through brilliantly designed sets, revelling in our nostalgia.

13. Curry

There are a lot of Thai people in Sweden and they make a good curry, but I was raised in a country with the best Indian curries this side of the continent so I always get my fill when I go home. This time I managed to get to Angel Curry Buffet on Chapel Market with its tasty cheap eats. The Hare Krishna centre, Govindas, is conveniently central and close to Oxford Street and served us dinner before our radio show. I usually try to cram in a weekend buffet at the best of the best, Chutneys on Drummond street, but that didn't happen this time so I look forward to the next...

14. Camden Lock 

My last night in London was unplanned as it usually is, and saw me ending up in Camden's Electric Ballroom again. It is in no way a good club, your feet stick to the floor, the bouncers are arseholes, the queue for the toilet is permanent and at any age beyond 18 you feel too old to be there. But nevertheless it is an old friend, always playing the shit you know and always just a short walk from home.

15. Fancy Brunch 

An old friend came into town at Paddington, not my usual haunt, and we accidentally found a very fancy, very reasonably priced brunch in Michelin recommended Salt and Honey. We continued our fancy day by taking a walk through Hyde Park and Speaker's Corner over to Burlington Arcade, a very posh shopping street where some of London's ever-expanding homeless population camp outside overpriced macaroon peddlar Laduree. If anything else, London is definitely a city of contrasts.

16. Normal Brunch

I don't normally even eat brunch but I managed it several times last week. In the centre of Finsbury Park is a really laid back cafe with tasty, filling food and it was perfect for a meet-up with family.

17. Cheap Haircut

I know I just massively insulted Covent Garden but actually there is a good, cheap hairdresser there called Hair By Fairy. You don't even need an appointment, you just show up and an experienced hairdresser will cut, style, dye, shampoo or whatever-you-want your hair. A cut that would have cost at least £60 in Sweden cost me just £20 in Central London.

Whew - how did I manage all that while also watching two seasons of Merlin on British Netflix?

Day 1279: Translation exercise

A browse of the local paper often nets some gems; a job nearby, a new cafe, a relevant event to go to or, my personal favourite, an insight into your neighbours' love lives.

Reading the personal ads is an excellent exercise in translation. Not only do you come across some Swedish words that simply do not translate well into an English personal ad, you also see ads which need a different kind of translation altogether. Here are some of my favourites from this week's paper, although they were tame by previous standards!

EXHIBIT A

A nice, simple start. This man born in the 50's is using his borgerligt life to attract a mate. Maybe this is a generational thing, but if someone told me to go out with them because their highest redeeming quality was their bourgeois life I think I'd call them a Number 2. (In the Merriam Webster.)

EXHIBIT B

How about someone who uses their looks rather than their personality to get a date? This woman has a fördelaktigt utseende. Now this kind of word is a translator's nightmare. Does she mean the literal translation, that she has an advantageous appearance? If so, what exactly is it advantageous for? She might have really big teeth, all the better to eat you with! Or does she mean "sexy" even though Google thinks it's unlikely. Either way you end up with two completely different ideas about this woman...which one is the right one??!

 EXHIBIT C

Oh this man starts his personal ad off so well! And then just...fucks it up. He's "glad" "humoristisk" and "sensuell" that's good, he "ser bra ut" yeah - I guess that's good too, and he's...."alert"? Let me just check that on Google translate, yep, it means the same thing. Well, I suppose I like a man who isn't in a coma or something. He's looking for a woman who likes to do "praktiska göromål" and I didn't use Google translate to figure out it means cleaning up after him. Oh, and to finish off, no fat chicks. That's a common theme in most of the personal ads.

EXHIBIT D

Here we have a real trainwreck of an ad. This man wants only dark, curvy women who are fifteen years younger than him within a 7 year age span. He wants to have a "lungt familjeliv" and needs a woman to give him kids asap. Okay, that's quite specific - he must have some goods to trade that put him in a position to make demands. Here it comes, in return for being this man's dream woman and having kids with him he will support his new family with....well, he doesn't have a job actually, he "går en utbildning" (is on a training course.)

 

EXHIBIT(S) E

This is where it starts to get difficult.

A lot of people use the personals to either advertise their dominatrix trade, or to find a good dominatrix. This "undergiven" (passive) man wants a "bestämd" (determined - although Google was a treasure trove of potential other translations!) woman to "klä upp" (dress) him.

But then there are others that are teetering on the line between what is clearly a request for a fetish and ... then again might not be. This "mogen" man (read- old) wants a woman who likes wearing nylon. Does he have a nylon fetish or does he want a woman from a time period when nylon tights were all women ever wore?

EXHIBIT F

From the ambiguous to the downright suspicious. Would you trust anyone who described himself as "helt vanlig" (totally normal)?
 

EXHIBIT G

Aw I feel sorry for this stranger. He's got no friends because all his old friends went off and had children. I can't help but wonder if a personals ad in the newspaper is the most productive way of meeting new friends? Also he's 48, he only has to wait a few more years and then all his friends will have teenagers or empty nests and be desperate for friends again. Or?

Day 1258: UNFORGIVABLE CRIMES

UNFORGIVABLE CRIMES IN SWEDEN

MAKING A SKIDBACKE WITH THE CHEESE

A reddit original

WEARING YOUR UTOMHUSSKOR IN THE HUS

NOT LEAVING THE SISTA BITEN FOR SOMEONE ELSE

FAILING TO LOOK IN THE ÖGA OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE WHO EVER EXISTED WHEN SAYING SKÅL

NOT DOING YOUR TVÄTT IN THE TIME ALLOCATED FOR TVÄTT

NEGLECTING TO TACKA THE HOST EVEN IF ITS A FRIEND SO OLD THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE A KROPPSDEL

HAVING SEPARATE KRANAR INSTEAD OF A BLANDARE 

FORGETTING THE KUNDPINNE FOR THE SHOPPER BEHIND YOU

UNFORGIVABLE CRIMES IN ENGLAND

MAKING A TEA FOR YOURSELF AND NOT OFFERING TO EVERY MAN AND HIS DOG IN A 5 YARD RADIUS

SKIVING OFF WHEN IT'S YOUR ROUND

FORGETTING YOUR BROLLY

SCOFFING CHEESE AND ONION WALKERS BEFORE A MEETING IN A CONFINED SPACE

LOITERING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TUBE DOOR LIKE A BERK OR TRYING TO GET ON THE TUBE FIRST LIKE A TWIT

BUGGY DURING RUSH HOUR

BAD INDIAN FOOD

 

UNFORGIVABLE CRIMES IN BOTH COUNTRIES

 FORGETTING THE REUSABLE SHOPPING BAGS

AWKWARD EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS

PAYING FOR BIG THINGS WITH COINS 

Day 1247: I, Daniel Blake

Vi måste prata om klass (we have to talk about class) is a popular phrase at the moment in Sweden. Some Swedes see growing division in a society often praised by outsiders for its equality. It's not my intention to analyse the economic stratification of Swedish society - that's a whole academic area of research by itself. Nor do I want to get wrapped up in the messy business of defining class (that has its own research field too...) But I would like to share my peculiar experience of watching I, Daniel Blake in a Stockholm cinema full of Swedes.

I, Daniel Blake is a film by Ken Loach, a director known for highlighting issues of the working class in Britain. It won a golden Palm at Cannes film festival and got a lot of people talking. You can watch the trailer here, if you're interested.

Now, I don't like to generalise even though I do it a lot, I am going to generalise here and say that the majority of people in the audience for I, Daniel Blake last Sunday at the cinema on Stockholms South Side weren't drawing from their experiences living in modern working class Britain to help them relate to the film. In fact, I took a moment to absorb and admire the people who constituted the audience. I admired them for taking the time and the interest to watch a difficult film about something which probably had little actual bearing on their everyday lives. And for being open to learning about people who slip through the cracks in a society while they swan about attending Cannes-film-festival-winning-movie matinees.

But hey, that's me too. I live in my nice flat and I have my nice job and I go to my intellectual film matinees. And I find that hard to reconcile with my life back in England. Back in England I've got two family members who are basically Daniel Blakes. They're chronically ill and they've slipped through the cracks. If I still lived in England I would be in the world of the British working class. I was raised in a working class area, I lived with working class neighbours, and when my little students start imitating my accent I know I should pronounce my T's better. Being in Sweden means I've got a comfortable life and I don't know where the cultural differences end and the class differences begin.

The people in the South Side cinema who watched I, Daniel Blake have as much understanding of what life is like for working class Brits as I do for young jobless immigrants in Skåne because I watched the Swedish film Eat, Sleep, Die (Äta Sova Dö).

Both films are incredibly depressing in their own ways, one because it hits me so close to home and one because it doesn't. I don't know what the Swedish working class looks like, how people slip through the cracks here, what their lives are like or how they get by. I don't know where they live, what features of language they use or what their values are. It is incredible how easily a whole division of society is hidden and I find myself asking, is it hidden because I'm British and I don't understand the system like a Swede or is it hidden because I'm middle class?

Day 1239: Butter Goose

Sometimes when you've really got nothing better to do, you read the packet that bread comes in. And in Sweden packets are usually covered with interesting information. Is this because there is generally nothing better for anyone to do in Sweden? Who knows.

At any rate the packet told me something I actually wanted to know but never bothered to find out until staring lazily at a packet with a slice of bread hanging out my gob, which was why the Swedish word for sandwich is 'butter goose' (smörgås).

A long time ago a person who I can only assume was partially sighted was churning some butter, saw some solid chunks floating to the surface of the milk and decided they looked like geese. I'll provide you with a handy image of a lumpy butter churn and let you decide if the chunks look geesey.

Personally, I saved this image on the computer under the filename "not a goose" but I did say I would let you decide if there are any anserine globules in there. Assuming you found a goose, I'm still not sure how ye olde Swedish person managed to get the name to stick to the object after smearing the fat over a piece of months old crust and proclaiming the resulting foodstuff a Butter Goose. "Prove it was a goose" I would have demanded after my friend had already smushed it onto the sandwich. "I've got more in the churn!" she'd claim. Then we'd both go over to the churn, see a load of butter and decide to be like the Danes and the Norwegians and just call the bloody thing butter bread (Smørrebrød) like sensible people. But then we'd have nothing to read on bread packets...

Day 1218: What a load of rubbish!

An extremely popular and well shared news article that I've seen floating around is the one about Sweden importing rubbish from other countries because it is "running out" of waste. Cue massive praises to the recycling gods of the world. It's not quite all that simple, though.


In truth Sweden is not "running out" but rather seeking more fuel because it can. Unlike in Britain where most people have their own household boiler, Scandinavian houses are almost always heated via a heat network (fjärrvärme.) The remotely heated water is pumped to homes from a huge central plant, meaning that energy efficiency is higher while cost and environmental impact are considerably lower that if each house had its own heating system. Town planners can do other clever things with remotely heated water, like run it under pedestrianised areas so that snow and ice can't form on the pavement.

The number of energy plants that can turn waste into heated water for homes is ever increasing. Privately run plants receive money for using waste that is legally not allowed to go to landfill and then receive further money for selling their hot water to homes. Almost half of all waste in Sweden is sent to be burned at these energy plants. Consequently only around 1% of household waste is sent to a tip, and that's why all the junk news outlets got their knickers in a twist on slow news day.

Then the junk news outlets point out how great Sweden is at recycling. OK yes it's true, Sweden is pretty kick ass at recycling. People working together recycle a third of the stuff they throw away and the recycling culture is strong, every building has good recycling facilities and every person knows the rules. A combination of excellent public information, education and provision means that recycling is the norm, unlike in Britain where each council has its own set of rules about recycling, everyone has a different way to recycle and people are just generally confused about what they can recycle.

What happens when you say that Sweden is importing other country's waste and then point out that Sweden is very good at recycling is that people start to say "ah yes, Sweden is very environmental and is saving all these dastardly other countries from piles and piles of trash." Well, no. What Sweden is actually doing is BURNING GARBAGE and therefore dumping a load more CO2 per KwH produced into the air than it would from burning coal or gas. Paradoxically, Sweden transports household waste from Norway in trucks (that produce CO2) burn the waste in Sweden (which produces CO2) and then send the toxic ashes back to Norway (in trucks ...that produce CO2) for storage in a finitely available lime cave.

Waste burning is seen as a good long term solution to solve the problem of unsightly, toxic landfill sites but environmentalists point out that it should only be a short term solution when it comes to CO2 emissions and the release of toxic and carcinogenic chemicals from burning plastics. Some plastics which are currently not recyclable are burned, but these could be stored until a process is developed for recycling them. Furthermore there is only so much space for the ashes produced by burning the waste and, worse still, some Norwegians argue that making fuel from waste so profitable discourages proper recycling and causes Norwegian households to throw away things they would otherwise not.

There you have it then, a bit more complicated than it seemed before. On the one hand a very efficient and praiseworthy system for delivering heated water to homes and reducing landfill, and on the other a very high CO2 impact, chemical emissions  and a short-sighted solution to a delicate problem. And while I did say that recycling is so much better in Sweden than it is in Britain, it's not all doom and gloom. There is in fact one area of waste management in which Britain does better than Sweden and that's composting. One day maybe we'll all put our heads together and come up with a comprehensive waste management system that shares the universal benefits and eliminates the bad bits. We can dream, eh!

Day 1204: Rolling back

It's been over a hundred days since I last wrote a blog post. I had given it up as a lost cause, but then some strange things happened.

First, people started asking me when I was going to update my blog. And I'm not talking close friends and family who are contractually obliged to care (they don't care about the blog as it happens, so maybe they are the ones I'm contractually obliged to forgive...) I mean really random unrelated friends and collegues.

Second I signed up for the world record breaking Reddit secret Santa gift exchange between 15,000 people. It asks you to list your hobbies and give any websites about you (your reddit profile, an amazon wish list, a personal web site) to help inspire your potential Santa. I gave my blog for reference but it felt a bit pointless since it was neglected.

Third and BEST OF ALL my blog actually contributed to my EARNING MONEY! Well, mostly my old China plate (yeah I use cockney rhyming slang now) Helen Jones got me the deal since she's got some fingers in some communication pies (mmm communication pies) but the man who gave me the commission said something along the lines of "yeah I read it" when I told him I had a blog so....it's something!

I was asked to write a 15,000 word document about all aspects of life in Uppsala to help anyone moving there. Unfortunately it's not my intellectual property any more (BECAUSE I SOLD IT MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK YEAH)  so I can't give you a slice (mmm communication pies). Needless to say I managed to get the Flogsta scream nestled somewhere in there.

HUR SOM HELST (ANYWAY)

All of that was just a preamble to say I am motivated as HELL to complain at y'all about the FUCKING GODDAMN ESCALATORS IN STOCKHOLM (and to a lesser extent IN UPPSALA *SHAKES FIST*)

Yes! I'm back! I'm complaining about escalators!

I am simply in disbelief about how many escalators don't work. Here's a statistic I just totally made up on the spot: at any given time in Stockholm 1/3 of all escalators are not working. "It's totally made up" you scoff "that's a ridiculous number of escalators, if you're going to make up a figure at least make it believable!" But you're wrong! It IS BELIEVABLE and almost TRUE! I use the metro a lot. A lot. At least 4 times a day, every day. Even on weekends when I get land legs from being still too long from not being on an escalator and just go out for a few hours and ride on the escalators around town. I don't ride them around town, that's not possible although it would be awesome. Wait, no it wouldn't because they'd all BE FUCKING BROKEN.

Stupid comments aside, there are far too many escalators not escalating. Here are the top 5 reasons why they are not doing what they are supposed to be doing according to their name:

1. NO REASON
Nope, no reason. They're just not moving. There's usually a totally unhelpful orange sticker that says "REPORTED". Sometimes I wonder if someone came and repaired the escalator in the 12 hour period in which I was not using it, and then one minute before I came back again it broke again so they had to stick a new sticker. Good business for the sticker people.

2. THERE'S A GUY IN IT
A lot of escalators can't run because there are people inside them changing bits and fixing bits. But I have definitely, more than once, seen a broken escalator that had people inside it "fixing it" just a week before. Sometimes I ride on a new looking escalator and instead of thinking nothing which is normal on an escalator ride, I am instead asking myself how long it will be before this new escalator is broken. I tell myself it will not be long. And I am right, go me.

3. THERE'S A WOMAN IN IT
Because she fell in and got horrific leg injuries and then all of Stockholm had a massive health and safety orgasm and decided to do a complete audit of the escalators IN THE WHOLE OF THE CITY and completely change out 32 of them. Normally I would be happy about them "fixing" the escalators but see #2 above. Also, the fixing of the DEATH TRAP ESCALATORS is also in addition to all the other problems I am mentioning, so now my statistic is looking kinda reasonable, huh.

4. NO REASON
I can't stress this one enough. This is NOT A VALID EXCUSE. I come from a city with ten times the number of people using the metro escalators, with MILLIONS of journeys every day. Not once in all my many years as a Londoner have I ever been so fucked off with the shitty shitty broken escalators that I wanted to rant for all the world to read about it. In fact, Stockholm you are SO SHIT AT ESCALATORS I think you should just LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HUNDRED YEAR OLD WOODEN ESCALATOR IN GREENFORD THAT IS STILL FUCKING WORKING AND LEARN SOME LESSONS.

FUCKING LOOK AT IT!

picture is from Ewan Munroe

5. NÖDSTOPP
Because there are trolls everywhere and not just on the internet, some people think that there are not enough escalators already out of service that they need to PRESS THE EMERGENCY STOP BUTTON FOR NO REASON. You know this has happened because there is a big flashing sign above the escalator that says NÖDSTOPP. Again, after a lifetime of living in London (millions of journeys, millions of fucktard trolls there too) I have never encountered an escalator that was out of use for several hours because someone pressed the emergency stop. That's probably because the sign that says Emergency Stop is about that big, under another sign that says PENALTY FOR IMPROPER USE in that size font. Also, it's a small button in the centre of a framed module placed in the centre of a large gap between escalators, so pressing it is a bit like a fairground attraction designed to make you lose money. Meanwhile the Stockholm emergency stop is a huge, round, shiny, emergency button that is, frankly, tempting.

I stand by my 1/3 of escalators statement (and I'll continue standing there because the travellator is out of service.) If an escalator is not escalating then what is it? And if an escalator falls in a Swedish wood and there's nobody around to see it, is it out of service? The answer is yes.

Day 1114: Bed Time

I've been in this country for 3 years now, it's really flown by! My swediversary was the 10th of August, but I was busy, well, living and it slipped me by.

My quality of life has dramatically increased thanks to immediate hot water from mixer taps, double paned windows in every building, Ecco shoes, great holidays at work and people putting their shopping in considerate lines on the conveyor belt when paying.

But one aspect of my life declined in quality when I moved in with my sambo. His bed was SHIT. Too soft. Saggy in the middle. 120cm wide - good for a single person, not great for two! It looked approximately like this:

Why did we have such an awful bed for such a long time? First we lived in a small apartment....now we have moved. Second, beds are expensive in Sweden. Like srsly. I bought what I thought was an expensive bed for myself in England, it was hand made by a small ethical company, had a great guarantee and was comfy. The bed we've just bought was FLIMMIN' FOUR TIMES MORE EXPENSIVE. Sweden wtf.

It's probably because we've actually done a common Swedish thing and bought two beds that go together with a single overlying mattress (or two). It's called a continental bed because I can only assume people on...the continent? A continent? Somewhere anyway, sleep on these kinds of beds. More bed = more mattress = more springs = more foam = more expensive.



I know it's going to be worth it. The bloody thing is so huge we can probably set up a net in the middle and play tennis. Roll on bed time...

Day 1099: Britain's a bit shit

A common feature of British culture is to focus on the negative. We do this because we are a self deprecating (not defecating!), cynical bunch and maybe also because to some extent, Britain is a bit shit.

What better way for me to convince you that Britain is a bit shit than by first bringing your attention to the amount of literal shit everywhere on the streets, on the pavements, on grassy areas, in front of your garden gate, by your front door, just, everywhere. When I used to work in Gillingham, a fairly deprived bit of Kent, I was treated to a daily rainbow of differently coloured dog turds representing the vibrant spectrum of tones dog poo can achieve if left for extended periods of time next to their more recent neighbours. That was five years ago and since then street cleaning budgets have been cut in what I can only assume is a cultural project to help the nation discover yet more nuances of the colour brown/grey. A small amount of internet searching reveals that in England and in Sweden, between 10-15% of dog owners answer that they do not pick up after their dog. Metro helpfully points out that in Sweden these figures mean 8000 dog turds are left on streets or in natural areas every day. If the same percentage of dog owners in Britain do the same, with a conservative estimate of 5 times the number of people, that's 40,000 dog turds in a country half the size. Sweden's measly 8000 turds could have 21 square miles each to sit in. I would say that Britain's turds would get 2 miles each but I already know that a large majority of them are right next to each other in Gillingham.

If only...